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Joke of the Day

"Probably a lot of horses sitting on couches today talking about how they could have ""gone Derby"" if they hadn't gotten hurt in college."

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"[Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?"
"""I always feel so self-conscious when I'm out in public,"" I told my girlfriend. ""Don't worry, you aren't that ugly,"" she sniggered. I said, ""No, but you are."""
"Don't know if the boss will appreciate my sense of humor in this meeting, but either way the stripper is already paid for."
"""john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date"""
"Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am."
"Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too."
"Bill murray banged my mom and everyone chalked it up as yet another fun silly thing bill murray did but he destroyed my family"
"How do you keep a black person from drowning? You don't"
"Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, ""Olive or twist?"""
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