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Joke of the Day

"Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school--uphill--both ways."

"I'm glad so many American children have smart phones since they don't have an education."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bearded Barbie ...complete with tweezers"

"""Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good."" - America"

"What's the difference between a Jewish kid and an American kid? (Going to hell for this one...) The American kid comes back from camp."

"The secret to juggling chainsaws is making sure people don't see your lips move when you make the chainsaw sounds."

"Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF"

"*Ghost snatches phone from me* ""Who you gonna call now?"""

"Girl you remind me of this steak I have no steak"

"Did you know that the walrus has the second largest penis of all mammals? ........................... ........................... I have the first :) Stole it from 50 first dates."