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Joke of the Day

"[hears a dog in the distance barking in the middle of the night] Yeah I'd love to be friends."

"Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?"

"I'm going to name my dick Pride. So when I fuck your mom, she will be filled with Pride."

"Why did Sarah Palin endorse Donald Trump? Because it takes a cunt to recognize another."

"Next season on Game of Thrones they're actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching."

"People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel."

"Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel."

"Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, ""You man the guns, I'll drive""."

"Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains! Well that's more of a mental health issue, I'm not really qualified to help you."

"That was easy... Said Yoda, after to Staples he went."