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Joke of the Day

"Do flashers have dreams where they leave the house and suddenly realize they've got their pants on?"

"What do you call a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who is well-endowed? A Hung-Ariyan."

"Problems I've got 99 problems and they're all first world."

"CNN is fucked if their viewers ever discover they can access the Internet on their own."

"Why couldn't the pirate use the bubblegum vending machine? Because there is no quarter for the wicked."

"I run faster horny than you do scared."

"Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone."

"I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I'm sorry. but I've moved on."

"I feel bad for skeletons... They have *nobody* to be with."

"""sure was nice of me to give that homeless guy $5 this morning"" [sees Steve Bannon on TV holding a Starbucks] ""son of a..."""