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Joke of the Day

"Last weekend I prevented a rape. It didn't take much. You can do it too. [xpost /r/TwoXChromosomes] I kept it in my pants."

"NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

"What do you call a gummy bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."

"GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me."

"May be behind but what do you call a Curiosity with only 2 wheels Bi-curious"

"My girlfriend announced she was having her sports car detailed ""I am going to have them wax it too,"" she said. I looked at her nonplussed and said, ""I didn't know Corvettes had a bikini line."""

"[Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because...tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day"

"I found my first white hair on my head ... I'm gonna name him Gentrification. I'm so sorry."

"A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife."

"What do you call a confident chicken? Cocky"