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Joke of the Day

"Some say Ambien and vodka make strange bedfellows. I say what a lovely pancake time machine, Madame President. Also, why am I a table?"

"Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point!"

"Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO"

"My grandma still doesn't need glasses... My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle."

"What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir"

"If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say ""Friend, you're wearing sweatpants."" They might not know."

"Why was six afraid of seven? Seven was a six offender."

"Whats small,green and smells like pork ? Kermit the frogs dick !"

"If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher."

"Gay Marriage in China... (Joke Originally from Comedian Jeffery Ross) Why Is gay Marriage Illegal in China? NO SUBSTITUTIONS!"