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Joke of the Day

"He held up my pants and said ""Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??"" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go."

"[job interview] ""Tell me one of your long term goals"" Sleeping ""No, I meant-"" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change"

"There was a man who left a boombox on a mountain. The rocks were rocking on."

"Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby."

"So these two blondes walk into a building.. You would have thought one of them would have seen it."

"I hate buying from cannibals it always costs an arm and a leg."

"Your cubicle must be full of ghost and owls Because all I hear over there is booo hooo"

"Husband (right before going to bed): ""Baby here is the aspirin for your headache"". Wife: ""But I dont have any headaches"" Husband: Gotcha!"

"Is there an app to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?"

"Got my ass fucking handed to me at Candyland again today by my 3 year-old. This decade is going to SUCK."