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Joke of the Day

"To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony"

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"Did you hear about the guy who stole a dictionary from the library? He got away with words."
"What type of condom does Spock use? Vulcanized rubber!"
"Police are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog."
"Date: So what do you do for fun? Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail] I love bird watching."
"How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex? He has 1 clean finger. src: heard on radio yesterday"
"In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering."
"What goes dot-dot-croak dot-dash-croak ? Morse toad !"
"Wrote a short poem. I dug. You dug. She dug. He dug. I know it's not very good but it's pretty deep."
"What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction? A chew-chew train."