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Joke of the Day

"[new euphemism]: ""As worthless as the last sheet on a roll of paper towels"""

"Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle."

"What do you say when your village gets the Black Death I'm bubon-sick of this plague."

"Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium are dating. When I found out I was like OMg!"

"COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?"

"My ex talked me into marriage I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife"

"A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly. [I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]"

"The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large."

"I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees. ""Give me a ""g"" ""Give me an ""h"" They hate me now."

"I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn."