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Joke of the Day

"Hey girl, are you magnesium iron silicate hydroxide? Because you'll be cummingtonite"

"Oh yeah bro? That's not what your mom said last night. I don't think so, anyway. It was a long conversation. She sounds well. Lovely person."

"I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the freezer"

"How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her."

"If my phone is so ""smart"" how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex"

"I watched a documentary on marijuana ..... .... It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way."

"*on the karaoke mic* ""I normally don't sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don't mind if I do this naked"""

"[Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*"

"What did the number 0 say to 8. Nice belt."

"They say you have safety in numbers... Sure, tell *that* to 6,000,000 Jews. [Source](http://youtu.be/Rzb_p1mRW1M?t=4m48s) I really recommend watching the entire video though, it's hilarious."