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Joke of the Day

"Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they've fallen asleep on the train."

"A homeless guy outside played the Braveheart theme on a recorder. Pretty awesome. Not as awesome as having a house, but still, AWESOME."

"Why do seagulls only fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be called Baygulls."

"You think we should see other people? I'm bipolar. I am other people."

"My dick is like a polygraph... It's only reliable fifty percent of the time"

"I just ate 2 lbs. of Greek yogurt in one sitting And people say I'm not cultured..."

"What's the difference between 1998 and 2016? Hillary Clinton is the punch line this time"

"Animals can sense disasters before they happen. That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl."

"Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow? The steaks are just too high."

"Maybe I misheard him... But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat."