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Joke of the Day

"{about to have sex} Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco"

"Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal."

"Boss: Let's be frank. Me: Dibs on ""Sinatra."""

"There are Three Types of People in this World Those who can count, and those who can't."

"What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus? You only need one nail for the picture."

"[grocery store] Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay Me (still chewing): well I never"

"What do you call a Pakistani man who's been everywhere and done everything?? Bin-der-done-dat"

"My new Girlfriend told me ""A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"" I still wish she didn't have one."

"[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? ""Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."""

"Ew, I bet people who call people hipsters as an insult don't even have a favorite kombucha flavor"