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Joke of the Day

"I'll bet Petr Pan lives in Nether Netherland."

"COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening"

"Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead."

"The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle."

"Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up."

"My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order."

"I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don't do that guys, don't do that."

"""But mom! I don't like grandma."" ""Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate."""

"The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish."

"Yeah I got a job at Coca Cola... It's sodapressing."