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Joke of the Day

"A father walks in on his daughter masturbating with a carrot and shouts for fuck sake i was going to eat that later now it's going to taste of carrot!"

"You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you."

"How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?"

"When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram."

"Why should you wash your hair with counterfeit feces? Because it's sham poo."

"How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report."

"If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling ""IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"""

"What's for dinner? -A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer."

"Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails it'd be very difficult to aim."

"for those who received a book from me this Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow."