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Joke of the Day

"Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register."

"Cashier: how old r u? Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21 Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids."

"Why did Adrian Peterson sign with the Minnesota Twins? Because they needed a switch-hitter."

"I accidentally swallowed some Liquid Paper last night ...Today, I woke up with a massive correction."

"What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner? Turkey."

"My grandfather could never throw anything away... That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade"

"if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them"

"Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and they will never notice. Call her ugly once and she'll never forget. Because elephants never forget."

"What is the vampire's favorite slogan? Please Give Blood Generously."

"If a tramp and a bunch of rich people are dressed the same, how does the tramp stand out? He begs to differ."