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Joke of the Day

"Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least! BAM, over the whole windshield."

"What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied? Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!"

"My wife told me she wants something that goes 0-200.... I told her to go step on the scale!"

"My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD."

"Snooki's kind of like Hurricane Sandy... She's large, slow-moving, an has blown just about everyone in the Jersey Shore."

"Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, ""Oh wow, I love these, thanks"" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, ""dude, I got this"""

"I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains"

"This sub should be referred to as ""Geddit."""

"[At Doctor] Me:I'm having chest pain Doc:Did you buy a new bra? Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing! Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain Me:Oh"

"Why did Dory warn Nemo about escaping through the toilet? Because it was a sewer side mission!"