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Joke of the Day

"marrying ur high school sweetheart is like eating chicken tenders n being like ok cool im only eating chicken tenders the rest of my life"

"Johnny was a chemist... ...but Johnny is no more. For what Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4."

"What do you call a Mustard Competition? A Compe*Dijon*"

"I'm pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am."

"When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan."

"You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don't they just get taller girls?"

"Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk."

"What's a blind mans favorite car? A cataract"

"I eat those silica gel packets because consumer electronics are not the boss of me."

"[I see a cute girl reading a novel] ""Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-"" *points at book* ""That you support the murder of trees."""