131883

Joke of the Day

"I just watched a show about burritos spinning in a circle because my television's broken and my microwave's not."

"Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing ""thank you"""

"Sheryl Crow singing the national anthem"

"What's the difference between me and a calendar? The calendar has dates *sigh*"

"Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the ""free candy"" on my van. *crosses off ""candy"" and writes ""wi-fi"""

"If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup."

"Why do people insist on saying ""You're next"" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?"

"Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered child molester."

"A man was killed with a starter pistol today Police think it might have been race related."

"What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize."