202006

Joke of the Day

"Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the ""free candy"" on my van. *crosses off ""candy"" and writes ""wi-fi"""

"ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!"

"Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform."

"what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair"

"KNOCK KNOCK Who's there, Howard, Howard who? Howard you wanna suck these nuts. Also works with: Wendy you wanna suck these nuts Jorge come suck these nuts"

"[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy. ""Snow White?"" Um. [Rips bong] Vegan."

"[with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me"

"[courtroom] Timothy: I was not involved Victor: Nor was I Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri- Judge: You're all going to jail"

"Me: lets go get a drink! Friend: what's the occasion? Me: ... Friend: ... Me: I don't understand the question."

"So my dog's pregnant & she's never been in contact with another dog & I'm having a lot of accusations thrown my way."