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Joke of the Day

"The Millionaire by Ivor Fortune"

"I accidentally knocked over my daughters giant Lego building she made. It's ok though, I blamed it on radical Muslims like a good American."

"I've been feeling so shitty this valentines day.. This cold I have is terrible!"

"How many terribly overused Vine memes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ***19, you dumbass. Its 19. not twenty-fucking-one.***"

"We've just put the swimming pool up for the kids, not sure if I'm gonna hide in it, but I'm definitely gonna... Lilo"

"[genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me"

"Why is Santa Claus so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas."

"Sex with me Is like the Challenger Mission It Killed a teachers career"

"How did the farmer move his cows? In a mooving van!"

"Anyone want to hear a really Nepalling joke about an earthquake? Oh. Nvm..."