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Joke of the Day

"The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart."

"What do fat girls do in the summer? Stink"

"Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk"

"Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant."

"""Your storage is full"" thanks Apple, I'll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I'll always have the stocks app"

"Today was my first time handling a... ....wet pussy. I didn't realize the risk involved! The cat scratched the shit out of me and eventually escaped from its bath."

"The vet told me ""I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down..."" ""Oh God!"" I said. ""WHY?!"" ""Because my arms are getting tired."" he said."

"Why do the Lanisters have such big beds? Because they push 2 twins together to make a king."

"I'm going to take a shower and wash my hair, only to have it washed later at the salon. Because, I'm a woman and that makes sense."

"Sally Why did Sally fall off her swing? She got hit by an axe. Knock Knock Who's there? Not Sally."