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Joke of the Day

"Today i was woken up with a blowjob.. i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore."

"If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on... I'd be like, ""Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"""

"What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph"

"A friend and I walked past an Alzheimers Society. He turned to me and said ""How do they remember where it is""?"

"Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"Policeman:""Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen. Me: how Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir"

"Why is your shit tapered? So your asshole don't slam shut."

"As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas."

"Why do tennis players have cold hands? They have bad mittens."