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Joke of the Day

"THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird"

"Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in? Dr.: a plastic bag"

"A guy walked into a bar... Ouch"

"Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read."

"How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, ""A man once told me..."""

"I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How's your night?"

"I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk."

"What does it's job ONLY after it has been fired? A bullet"

"I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups. Apparently, it's a very touchy subject."

"I have friends who do charity work for U2. They're pro Bono."