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Joke of the Day

"I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body."

"Is the Capitol of Kansas pronounced ""Wichitay"" or ""Wichitah?"" It's pronounced ""Topeka."""

"Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night."

"Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music."

"What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080-Pee"

"Cop: Tell us what you know! Me: Penguins are monogamous creatures with noted cases of bisexuality Cop: *typing up his science report*"

"Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I'm driving."

"I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face."

"99 problems and pizza solves every single 1"

"""It just feels so good to have a clean apartment!"" - someone who's never killed a bear with a sword"