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Joke of the Day

"Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes"

"Mom: What are you hiding in there? -nuthin [Vin Diesel noises from closet] M: Is Vin Diesel in there? -...yes Vin Diesel: [from closet] No."

"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!"

"What do Mormons and tweakers have in common? They both ride bikes and go on missions."

"Confucius says... Confucius says: Learn to masturbate, come in handy."

"My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing."

"I tried a new fragrance today. It's called Tester."

"So Chad Kroeger was just diagnosed with a vocal cyst... I guess that's what the doctor can call nickleback."

"What do elves learn at school? The elf-abet!"

"First World Problems How to create FWP, Get a dog and a boy and throw the boy down the well and go get your dog to save him because you to lazy to do it *AMERICA*"