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Joke of the Day

"Me: I'm so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I'll help... Hey don't forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you're snow! Me: K"

"Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose"

"Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue"

"Son: Mom, how was I born? Mom: Well son, it all started when I asked the wrong man for directions."

"""I'd hit that!"" -- me gazing at rock bottom"

"I was walking in a chemistry lab. I tripped on some acid."

"My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I'm afraid to go to sleep now."

"Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind."

"Life is like a box of chocolates... ...it doesn't last as long for fat people."

"It's 2011 and we're not driving dragons? The future sickens me."