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Joke of the Day

"I was walking in the park... ..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex. God do I love my new taser."

"I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green. I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."""

"Hey Egypt: Try unplugging your modem for 30 seconds then plugging it back in. Trust me."

"Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It's somehow your fault."

"How to tell if someone doesn't crossfit"

"What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle? ""You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."""

"How do you tell a good joke on reddit? Wash it up over and over again until you get gold!"

"I just submitted my penis as ""Innovator of the Year"" in 2009, for his pioneering work in solving womens hunger."

"It is my sincerest hope that the act of dying feels like finally peeing after a long bumpy car ride."

"Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it. Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store."