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Joke of the Day

"I've been ignoring these dirty dishes for 47 minutes and they still haven't taken the hint. It's just awkward now..."

"Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters."

"""We're halfway there... wow-ohh!! Livin' on a vain hope to which the Universe is indifferent!"" - Athiest Bon Jovi"

"Why doesn't Ronald Reagan drink orange juice? Because he's dead."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-alot"

"An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!"

"I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him. He's awfully thin..."

"No more ""if you're bf stops playing his game to text you..."" If your girlfriend understands to give texting a rest when you're playing video games, marry her."

"what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt"

"Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month."