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Joke of the Day

"I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn't Tobey Maguire"

"What do you call an alligator that wins a race? A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)"

"[Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere"

"What's worse than having spiders on your piano? Having crabs on your organ."

"All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one."

"Question: If a King runs a Kingdom...& an Emperor runs an Empire... Who runs a country?"

"Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you're talking about. - ""That's exactly what ignorant means."" I don't get it."

"Where do you go when you need a sperm donation? Sasha Grey's mouth"

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles"

"I'd like to personally invite Conan to bring his entire show to Nebraska. We can work out details later."