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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me that having a good sense of humour is really important I told her to message the mods at /r/Jokes"

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"When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle."
"Cops are like women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. And they're a bunch of pussies."
"I've never really been into French Impressionistic music, but lately... ...it's been grabbing me by Debussy."
"I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever they said, ""No, just till the end of June""."
"Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period."
"So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood."
"This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl."
"Feminism: because not all women can be beautiful."
"I don't think anyone would be surprised if Captain Morgan was arrested for Boating Under the Influence."