128608

Joke of the Day

"Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks"

"She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically."

"If there is anything in this world to be happy about... Just be glad that the tastebuds are at the front end."

"If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away"

"I got into a fight with a baseball player. It wasn't too bad. All I did was strike him three times and he was knocked out."

"Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch."

"How does a cow quickly do math? With a cow-culator! (Rimshot)"

"Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours"

"My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me."

"I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly. I just stood there looking like a cunt."