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Joke of the Day

"I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly. I just stood there looking like a cunt."

"What's the difference between an auto-corrected exclamation of amazement and an act of liking men? One is ducking sick, the other is sucking d..."

"""One man's trash is another man's treasure"" is a great quote... ... but it is not the best way to tell your kid that he's adopted."

"When the pilot says, ""This is your captain speaking,"" I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, ""This is your passenger listening"""

"You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job."

"[on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]"

"I met a smelly man who had a way with words He was a pungent"

"pretending this is a healthy protein shake even though it's just 15 pancakes I threw into a blender"

"What's half of a tuba? A oneba."

"I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can't stand movies with that much gore."