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Joke of the Day

"The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth."

"ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again."

"What does expensive pasta cost? A pretty penne"

"What happens when a fly drinks rum? It gets buzzed!"

"Note: When you cut jeans into shorts, remember to wear the top half, not the bottom half. lol. these denim calf warmers tickle my legs."

"So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, ""a way out"" isn't the right answer."

"[god inventing animals] okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella ""okay"" made out of jello ""alright"" and it electrocutes things ""you're drunk"""

"The soldier survived pepper spray and mustard gas He is now a seasoned veteran."

"Did you know the government can drug test our water supply?! That's why I never piss near a toilet. Instead - I piss on your mom. Shes by the trash.... (not the toilet)"

"Yo mama in a wheelchair and says ""You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."""