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Joke of the Day

"[god inventing animals] okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella ""okay"" made out of jello ""alright"" and it electrocutes things ""you're drunk"""

"[doctors] ""How long have I got?"" ""Not long. Two, three months"" [casually places apple on desk] ""Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"""

"I already have a date for Valentine's Day February 14th"

"A mailman delivers mail, and a milkman delivers milk. I'm a lineman. **I deliver lines.**"

"How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? In Soviet Russia, lightbulb screws YOU!"

"Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft."

"What's the best way to get a foreign dog to behave? A treaty."

"You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!"

"I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy. But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself."

"What's the difference between a dwarf and an STD? Ones a cunning runt the other is a running cunt."