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Joke of the Day

"All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all"

"Saw a ""Don't Text and Drive"" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it."

"What do you call a Canadian in outer space? An Eh-lien!"

"How many ""friend zoned"" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw."

"Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, ""The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"""

"My wife tried on a dress, it did not fit. She bought a cake out of frustration. IT FIT."

"Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death."

"What's in Pandora's box? A fine case of herpes."

"Hills have eyes... They also have ""L""s"

"What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage? The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels."