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Joke of the Day

"2 first names I don't trust people with 2 first names: Paul Ryan, Larry David, Martin Lawrence, Saddam Hussein http://www.twitter.com/HireMeImFunny"

"Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough. She keeps asking what I'm doing"

"What did Mozart and Beethoven do whilst in the grave? Decompose"

"Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes."

"If our body is made of cells, what's a picture made of? Pixels."

"A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair"

"Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic."

"(dark humor) In the used cars for sale add i am selling very little used wife whole or in pieces."

"As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous."

"Thanks for putting out Mom! ~ everyone. Happy Mother's Day!"