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Joke of the Day

"Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job."

"Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants. Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit."

"How do you get the political science grad off your lawn? Pay for the pizza"

"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*"

"Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you. Me: TEDDYBEARS Cop: Aww."

"Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring? The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D"

"Whenever someone says, ""I had the weirdest dream last night!"" I interrupt, ""I had dreams once..."" and stare at a wall until they leave."

"What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ? They both shafted minors in the 1980's."

"They say nobody likes Nickelback... ... but there's **gotta be somebody.**"

"What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can actually finish a race."