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Joke of the Day

"Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money... if you can prove that you don't need it."

"There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's"

"My GF was triggered when I chased the big black birds away from my bird feeder because what I wanted to see was tits. She said it was my crow aggression."

"I went to my doctor without any money and begged If you fix this diarrhea I'll do you a solid."

"How do you make a Giraffe go to war? You Giraffed it"

"I don't just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day."

"[Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added ""ski"" to the end of the words... I knowski."

"How do you win an election? By having people believe that you've won an election."

"Did you hear about the dancer's birthday? It was a tappy one!"