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Joke of the Day

"Hey banks, enough with the ""Thank you for banking with us"". We only have like 3 options and you're all terrible."

"Just ate a Hot Pocket filled with pasta alfredo because my body is a landfill and I don't ever want a husband"

"What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille"

"So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them ""It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike""."

"How do you say ""Fuck you"" in American Sign Language? Lift your hand up and put all fingers down except your middle finger."

"What do Ebola patients eat? Abola chicken noodle soup!"

"If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime."

"Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday."

"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? Anything, what's he gonna do about it?"

"Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work"