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Joke of the Day

"[Snake family queueing to get on the train] [They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board] SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again."

"Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes Obama: Joe Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor"

"[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]"

"if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a ""selfie""?....that's a ""groupie"""

"I have an earning disability."

"I'm not a fan of anal sex with the deceased any more. In fact I only did it once in a blue moon."

"please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,"

"[England 1320] ""Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows."" *waits 6 months* ""K"""

"Why are 9/11 victims great readers? They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds"

"[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that's never been done before"