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Joke of the Day

"Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today :("

"A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, ""Do you have any colored printers?"" To which the clerk responds, ""It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."""

"The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline until your mum jumped on it"

"Star Wars Episode VII-XI Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Waits Five More Minutes Star Wars Episode XI: The Force Is Late For Work"

"Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he'd like. After a stunned silence, I explained 'quiche' was not pronounced 'quickie'."

"What is green and smells like paint? Green paint."

"You HAVE to listen to this song, it's perfect. Okay, this opening is slow... The vocals aren't great here... Wow. This is trash, and I am trash."

"So it's my birthday and my parent sang me happy birthday. Mom: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Dad: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Mom: ""Happy birthday to you!"" Dad: ""You were born because your mom sniffed glue."""

"Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you're probably not making it out alive."

"Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print."