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Joke of the Day

"I avoid all spoilers for the new Star Wars movie. I won't watch the trailers and... I refuse to watch the movie itself as to stay spoiler free for the rest of my life."

"[job interview] ""Name one of your strengths"" I didn't stab anyone today ""That's not-"" Yesterday wasn't so good tho"

"Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder what happened to my roof"

"I hate going left Because it's just not right."

"Why is the O in Opossum silent? Because it's playing dead."

"i work in the elevator business. It has it's ups and downs."

"Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant"

"Me: Mom, am I ugly? Mom: Why don't you ask your girlfriend? Me: But I don't have a girlfriend! Mom: Still looking for the answer?"

"The electoral college needs to go away. The tuition rates are out of control."

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no"