48790

Joke of the Day

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no"

"My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis..."

"What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Bolt can finish a race."

"My wife and I couldn't have a baby so we decided to go to an adoption agency. I was so excited while I was in there. It made me happy to think that I could finally take off the baby on board sticker."

"A guy forgot to pay his exorcist... He got repossessed."

"My suggestion for Reebok's new marketing campaign: ""Nike: Just Do It; Reebok: Do Whatever Feels Right -- We're Not Dictators"""

"I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, ""I think I'm addicted to Twitter."" He replied, ""I don't follow you."""

"If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet."

"Got in a fight with my wife while camping... It was in tents."

"[spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR"