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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a take-out dinner and a make-out session? How can you take something out you've never put in?"

"Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person."

"What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? A leek."

"There are some horrible bastards about I heard a cat crying outside my door and I saw 4 blokes in Chelsea shirts playing football with it I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1- 0 up"

"My wife has disappeared... She's been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back."

"Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution? Wife: Yes. Me: We have hard wood floors. Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!"

"I'm wearing this hipster's carcass ironically."

"I was wondering why a fire truck was in front of a theater close to me last night... I suppose it was Catching Fire"

"How do you stop a 6'4"" 300lb black kid from charging? You take away his EBT card."

"New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit ...I bet that ""new car smell"" doesn't last very f*cking long."