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Joke of the Day

"Promised myself that today I wouldn't steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain't bad"

"[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] ""come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."""

"Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence? Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy. Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids. Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is."

"I have PTSD from catching a glimpse of a co-worker's pale belly roll during a meeting."

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."

"What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly? The Millenial Falcon."

"My girlfriend is the undisputed queen of not giving a fuck But it's all good. Her sister is plenty wild for the both of them"

"What Did The Time Traveler Do After He After He Ate Too Much? He Went Back Four Seconds."

"Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat."

"Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible. My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice."