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Joke of the Day

"I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now"

"""What about this? What about this? And this?""--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer."

"I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed."

"After reading some marriage tweets I'm beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person."

"Why did the Berlin Wall come down? It didn't match with the iron curtains."

"Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?"

"Three New Yorkers are sitting at a bar... I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about being from New York."

"Almir Payday 2 That is all, thank you."

"What do you call a postmodernist ravioli? An intellectual impasta'."

"I had a weird dream I was eating a hairy lollipop. Woke up this morning and my wifes head was covered in slobber."