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Joke of the Day

"If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar."

"Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it"

"5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT."

"What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate."

"I've done all the cleaning and ironing but I've forgot why I broke into this house in the first place."

"The only two things I hate are Racism and The Portuguese"

"Looking to sell me theremin. Haven't touched it in years."

"I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it."

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck ninety-nine, but deer nuts are always under a buck"

"Why can't Bruce Jenner drive a KIA? Because they have tranny problems too"