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Joke of the Day

"All I've learned from reading Yelp reviews is that everyone's a tiny little tyrant who thinks they're the most important person in the world"

"Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch."

"My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up."

"I told my date I was depressed. I added, ""not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed."""

"I don't usually make anal sex jokes... ...butt fuck it"

"I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things."

"What's the difference between a baby and a feminist? I don't want to punch the baby in the fucking face."

"My girlfriend said she was finishing with me because of my obssession with flowers. I said ""Where's all this stemming from, petal?"""

"How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead..."

"What do you call it when plants bang? Floral sex."