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Joke of the Day

"Anyone who says ""on his person"" rather than ""on him"" is not only pretentious, but obviously doesn't think in 140 characters."

"What happens when you take the ""T"" out of ""stay and the ""F"" out of ""way""?"

"I've never once used the ""C word"" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts."

"Yo momma's so fat... Her Patronus is a Birthday Cake."

"POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird."

"How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb? Tell him the lightbulb is his mother."

"Have you ever heard of Skrillex? Ah forget it... I was gonna make a Dubstep joke, but I'll just drop it"

"40% of divorces stem from $ issues. 40% are caused by infidelity. The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly."

"I was craving some Indian food yesterday... ...So I went and got subway."

"Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks ""How do you drive this thing?"""