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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, ""Could you watch the kids for a minute?"" and runs."

"why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack"

"I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell."

"Girl, you are so sexy. . . [unsuitably sweet for work] that if my brain was in my penis, you would make my forehead sweat."

"Did you hear about the blackout? Don't worry, I shot him."

"Donald Trump isn't the candidate the Republicans need, he's the candidate they deserve. (as punishment for all the stuff they've done over the last eight years)"

"Selling a dead bird Not going cheep"

"If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you."

"Sometimes I'll take such a good picture of someone I'm like ""this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral."""

"Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they're obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?"